“I’LL BE THE VICTIM,”


the perky little girl in Addams Family Values said when her camp counselors wanted to demonstrate swim safety by having a camper pretend to drown.

“All your life,” monotoned Wednesday. Still one of the funniest lines uttered in a movie.

Perhaps the exchange has been studied by Judith Regan, the hack publisher who up until recently worked for Rupert Murschlock, only to be fired by him. When Rupert Murdoch is calling you a degenerate, that’s the time to move up the meeting with St. Peter that you’ve long been pushing off.

As you may remember, Regan was the publisher – although thankfully no copies were ever sold – of a particular piece of grotesquerie known as “If I Did It” by OJ Simpson, the rare book that contains a lie as early as the first word of its title. Lillian Hellmann, take note.

Regan, adopting the role of spokeswoman, says she secured the publication of the book “for the victims” of domestic violence. She found the experience of publishing the book “cathartic,” she says, having known someone who had long suffered from domestic violence, and whose story, through publication of the book, was finally being “told,” somehow. Would-be readers of the book, especially those with stomachaches, may have found the book equally cathartic, but one will never know.

Poor Judith is no longer just fantasizing about being a domestic violence victim. She is now the victim of, you guessed it – a “Jewish cabal”:

In an explosive telephone argument that led to her firing, publisher Judith Regan allegedly complained of a “Jewish cabal” against her in the book industry and stated that “Of all people, Jews should know about ganging up, finding common enemies and telling the big lie.”

A spokesman for Regan’s former employer, Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp., told The Associated Press on Monday that the remarks were based on notes taken by HarperCollins attorney Mark Jackson, with whom Regan was discussing the future of a controversial new novel about baseball star Mickey Mantle.

The spokesman, Andrew Butcher, released the comments in response to a threatened libel suit from Regan’s legal representative, Hollywood attorney Bert Fields (who, in a Michael Richardsian twist, is Jewish), who had called earlier reports of anti-Semitic remarks “completely untrue” and added that the publisher “didn’t have an anti-Semitic bone in her body.” (Note to cliche non-watchers: stop using this phrase. It leaves you too open to attack – i.e. one can make a weak yet effective response simply by saying, “Your right, she didn’t have an anti-Semitic bone – she had an entire anti-Semitic skeleton!”)

I tell you, I am going out on strike until I find this Jewish cabal. I can’t help but think of what Prior Walter said in “Angels in America” in his final dream sequence, as he stood before the angels decrying the existence of God: “Tell God,” he told the angels, “That if that son of a bitch ever shows his face again, he’s got a hell of a lot to answer for.”


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