DEAF ‘N FISHIN’


So today, Lance Bass, (former?) member of the boy band ‘N Sync, announced that he is gay. According to the article I read that reported this story, the revelation hardly came as a shock, because, appparently, Bass had been seen in public with the same man for several months, holding hands with him, and so on.

I suppose different people concluded that Bass was gay (before the story was “officially” broken) for different reasons. Remember “All Good Things,” when Picard created an anomaly in space that actually grew bigger in size as time went backwards?

The way things work today, the more “cool” or “in the know” (i.e. full of shit) you are, the earlier you know someone is “gay.” While person X may only reveal that fact, if he reveals it at all, at point Z in time, the cool ones cause your gayness (or talk about it) to actually grow bigger in size (certainly in novelty until others may get bored of hearing about it and then move on to creating another backwards-in-time gay anomaly) as time grows backwards.

Here’s how it works:

Person X, year 2000: “Person A is gay.” Person X then lets all of his friends know of this “fact.”
Year 2001: Word gets out to person A, through inadvertent slip of tongue (so to speak) that he is “gay.” “Gee, man, I didn’t know you majored in chocolatelingus!” “I won’t tell anyone!” (Mind you, person A may or may not be gay, in ACTUAL reality, not in the reality we live in. There is a difference between the two).
Year 2002: Person A is officially outed, publicly (say, on a message board, or on a blog).
Year 2003: Person A either comes out (if he is gay), having been permanently scarred by what the definers said about him (whatever criteria they used to come to the conclusion he is gay probably are not in any way the real indicia of why he was gay), or is forced, having been permanently scarred by what the definers said about him, to deny that he is gay. Of course, if you deny you’re gay, you’re gay.

What even some of the “cool” ones are now doing in a futile attempt to innoculate themselves against charges of being gay is downright absurd. It is not enough to strut around with gonads clucking and with a “I have a load in my pants and lead weights in my arms” gait. Not anymore. Now, at social functions, if you are not already “with” someone (which means you’re gay, and which means what I’m about to describe is a futile gesture anyway, but people still do it), you must practically spend your ENTIRE time stalking every single female at that function – even, and especially, then ones who have made clear, for hours upon end, that they are with another guy and that they want to have absolutely nothing to do with you. Why is this? Have things gotten so bad that the mere act of a guy talking to another guy at a social event is an indicum of gayness? When did guys start thinking this? When did girls start thinking this? When will people realize that they’ve created a situation that lends itself, as does money, good looks, and intelligence, to the following saying: “You can never be too not-gay?”

I have no doubt that as the powers-that-be (or at least some of them) find it increasingly burdensome to “act” as “non-gay” as possible, some will accuse others of acting “too” non-gay (You act so non-gay that you really ARE gay. You’re obviously trying too hard). Of course, the powers that be will arbitrarily select whom this reverse non-definition of gay applies to.

Professor Dumbledore once said, “Our lives are defined not by our abilities, but by the choices we make.”
I used to not believe that – I used to believe that neither choice nor ability defined our lives – I used to believe that luck, mostly, did.
Now, I almost see Dumbledore’s point – or, rather, I understand his point if his words are to be taken literally. If a group of people collectively acts crazily, pettily and hatefully, that group will be ultimately remembered not for whatever abilities it possessed (it squandered them anyway), but for the crazinesss, pettiness and hatefulness. Who will remember it that way? Dumbledore didn’t say – and the rememberer may be generations away from being born – but someone will remember.

I know, I know. That sounds so….. gay.


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