Lots of things going on. My cyst is gone, and so is the pain (yay!). I’ve discovered this medicine called Prelief, which has made my IC completely manageable. I can even eat chocolate and tomatoes again (I’ll probably never be able to handle soda pop or lemonade (or coffee or alcohol, but I’m Mormon so no worries there)). It’s also lessened the pain to the point where I don’t hurt very often anymore. My ankle is still giving me a few problems–there’s still a broken bone fragment floating around in there that gets pinched every once in awhile. But I really, really don’t want another surgery.
I just had a major breakthrough with Winter’s Heir. It will require deleting about 7K words and starting over, but this will make the book SO MUCH BETTER. So in the end, it’s all good.
We’ve found a medication for my oldest son that has made his symptoms manageable–he can stay awake and he isn’t collapsing anymore. The doctors think he has a sort of transient cataplexy, which he will eventually grow out of. Not a great thing to have, but better than the horrible things like tumors and seizures and narcolepsy that the doctors were talking about. There’s still a chance he won’t grow out of it, but I’m trying not to focus on that.
My second son has a great teacher this year (unlike the horrible bully he had last year). His femur (where his nonossifying fibroma was) looks great, other than one leg is slightly longer than the other and his knee sometimes bothers him. We can only hope it doesn’t get worse.
But here’s the other thing–all the trauma my family has gone through over the last 3 years has left me struggling with depression. I have been since about January when it was really, really scary. Like suicidal scary. It was bad again last week (for good reason, my son was having major medical issues and it triggered all the trauma that we went through with my other son). The medical bills are piling up and leaving us completely overwhelmed.
I haven’t really told many people about it. Partly because it’s so deeply personal. Partly because it’s the kind of thing that makes your curl in on yourself. Partly because sometimes people are idiots and mean.
So why write about it at all? Honestly, I’m not even sure myself. I want people like me to know they’re not alone. I don’t want to be alone either. And that’s just kind of who I am. I have this desire for people to know the real me, free of adornments or masks.
Another reason is because someday I want my children and grandchildren and great grandchildren to see this trail I’ve blazed before them. That it wasn’t a legend or a pioneer. I was just a person, doing the best I can. And I want them to have my words.
Finally, I had an an aha moment yesterday. God doesn’t “give us” our trials-they come as a natural result of living in the world we do–he’s not handing out pain like poison from above. Part of the reason we’re here is to learn of suffering. And God will help us through it if we let him. And in the end, all the suffering will be taken away and it will all be made right.
Realizing this has helped me let go of a lot of anger. My hope is that it will help you too.